My preemies are true warriors and fight for their lives everyday. They endure SO MUCH, and neonatal nurses serve as the first and last line of defense providing around-the-clock care to decrease their risk of getting sicker than they already are. Add the sterile cap and line changes we must do everyday to protect our most vulnerable, fragile infants...the meticulous hand washing, chlorhexidine wiping, sanitizing, sterile gloving, PPE donning/doffing, painful scrubbing and so much more, all for their protection and survival.
I could tell you about the many feeding tubes I have replaced over and over again with frustration due to their little hands pulling them out when I wasn’t watching.
Or the sadness I have experienced sitting in on a care conference while parents try to comprehend their new baby’s poor prognosis due to a diagnosis that’s life-altering or sometimes incompatible with life.
I could tell you about the anger I have had with MDs when I advocate for my baby that “something is wrong” only to have a reply of “just continue to monitor.”
Or the feeling of success when they actually hear me and trust me and I catch an infection early in its tracks and save my baby’s life.
I could tell you about the tears I have wiped from a father and mother’s cheek while removing their baby from life support as he passes away in their arms.
I could try to explain to you how hard it is to maintain professional boundaries when you have invested so much time, love, and tender care to your “primary baby.”
And how hard it is, when “due to staffing” you can’t care for the baby and must take another assignment.
And the times I feel as though I didn’t do enough for my patient and stay up all night wondering if they made it through the night.
BUT, I could also tell you all about the special moments and milestones in the NICU that will forever resonate with me.
The feeling of walking a brand new father through the steps of changing his son’s diaper for the first time while his hands shake in fear.
Followed by the laughter as the baby pees and poops all over himself because the diaper was way too loose.
The feeling of giving a baby his first bath with his mother and making her feel so happy and accomplished.
Or the feeling of helping a mother hold her child for the first time after he was rapidly removed from her body and emergently transported to us.
I could tell you about feeding a baby his first bottle with mom or attempting to breastfeed for the first time.
I could tell you about my ninja skills tiptoeing in the dark so I don’t wake up my fussy baby. And the olympian gymnastic moves I make in order to prevent breaking my sterile field.
I could tell you about the many patients whom I have primaried for and the long lasting, loving relationships I have built with their families as their “favorite nurse.”
I could tell you about the feeling when discharging a baby and the immense happiness I experience finally getting to remove the EKG leads and turning off the monitor.
And the happy tears experienced from everybody in the room when I play that cheesy graduation song by Edward Elgar.
I could explain the feeling of a baby’s tiny hand wrapped around my finger as I assess pulses or check his blood pressure.
I could tell you…..but it wouldn’t be enough.
I cannot fully put into words what it’s like to work with these tiny humans. Nothing can prepare you for the physical, mental, and emotional aspect of neonatal nursing. And that is the beauty of it. I wholeheartedly believe that it takes a special person to be a NICU nurse. Albeit, it is not what I always thought I was going to be. However, I thank God everyday for choosing me. It is my honor, duty, calling, privilege, and passion. I am a proud NICU nurse. It is more than just a job to me. It is who I am.
